Wednesday, February 8, 2012

If Grandpa Hits Up the Dating Scene In 20 Easy Steps

  1. Accept the fact that men strive for companionship, especially in their later years.  Doctor Laura has said it, now I’m saying it.  It is part of their nature to have someone by their side, so when your grandmother passes away, do not be surprised when Grandpa has a new girlfriend.
  2. Make sure you do a little background check on Grandpa’s girlfriend.  We live in the information age.  He’s getting close to 90 years old and he doesn’t have a clue about computers, so do the research for him.
  3. Keep tabs on his bank account.  If he’s writing checks for a large amount of money once every two weeks, it means he is either a drug dealer, or he is splurging on his female friend.  Maybe they’re going on lots of dates, or he’s buying her things, but then maybe she has a drug habit.
  4. Check his will.  Make sure she didn’t write her name in there.  She didn’t?  That’s good, but it doesn’t guarantee anything.
  5. If you skipped step 2, now is the time to go back. 
  6. Take note that Grandpa’s girlfriend has been arrested a couple times, and is known for preying on elderly men with farm land.  At this point, it’s too late to go back.
  7. Notice that some of his prescribed painkillers are missing.  Your grandfather doesn’t take painkillers.  He has fallen off roofs and been trampled by cattle.  To him, painkillers are overrated.
  8. Ask your grandfather where his pills have gone.  If he shrugs, he knows.  If he changes the subject, he knows.  If he gets angry, he knows.  Ask him if his girlfriend could have taken the pills.  When he storms out of the kitchen, you know.
  9. Call the police.  When the police say that you cannot file a report for missing pills, call your uncle, because works at a law firm.  When your uncle has no advice, don’t give up.
  10. Alert the bank that checks made out to Grandpa’s girlfriend should be voided.  Your grandfather will now go to the bank and get cash out for her, which cancels this step.
  11. Consider hiring a hit man to take care of your grandfather’s girlfriend.
  12. Come up with an idea that actually works.
  13. Stake out the bowling alley where your grandfather and his girlfriend meet for lunch.  Watch her every move.  If you catch her in a criminal act, that could be your evidence in court.
  14. Listen to your mother argue with your aunt over the phone.
  15. Look for your grandfather’s gray Buick when you drive around town, and find it in a rundown trailer park.
  16. Have some pity for your grandfather’s girlfriend, but do not let it stop you.  She has done more damage than you could have foreseen.  You hate her guts.
  17. When your grandfather finally agrees to move in with your parents, let out a sigh of relief.  His girlfriend will find your parent's number and try to call the house but to no avail.  Your grandfather will enjoy the company of your brothers and your father, and he will be distracted for the time being.  This distraction will wear off.
  18. Enroll him in a single senior’s yoga group.
  19. Hope that he will find another, more suitable girlfriend.
  20. If he finds a new girlfriend, repeat step 2.


©Carrie Gold

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Untitled


It was a time of great and exalting excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and spluttering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fluttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred the deepest deeps of their hearts, and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country, and invoked the God of Battles beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpourings of fervid eloquence which moved every listener. It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast a doubt upon its righteousness straightway got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety's sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way.

Sunday morning came -- next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their young faces alight with martial dreams -- visions of the stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender! Then home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag, or, failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation
*God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest! Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!*
Then came the "long" prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory --

An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following him and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher's side and stood there waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued with his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, "Bless our arms, grant us the victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!"

The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside -- which the startled minister did -- and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said:

"I come from the Throne -- bearing a message from Almighty God!" The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. "He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such shall be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import -- that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of -- except he pause and think.

"God's servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two -- one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this -- keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse upon some neighbor's crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.

"You have heard your servant's prayer -- the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it -- that part which the pastor -- and also you in your hearts -- fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!' That is sufficient. the *whole* of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory--*must* follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!

"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle -- be Thou near them! With them -- in spirit -- we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it -- for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

(*After a pause.*) "Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits!"
It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.








Mark Twain