If Grandpa Hits Up the Dating Scene In 20 Easy Steps

1. Accept the fact that men strive for companionship, especially in their later years.  Doctor Laura has said it, now I’m saying it.  It is part of their nature to have someone by their side, so when your grandmother passes away, do not be surprised when Grandpa has a new girlfriend.
2. Make sure you do a little background check on Grandpa’s girlfriend.  We live in the information age.  He’s getting close to 90 years old and he doesn’t have a clue about computers, so do the research for him.
3. Keep tabs on his bank account.  If he’s writing checks for a large amount of money once every two weeks, it means he is either a drug dealer, or he is splurging on his female friend.  Maybe they’re going on lots of dates, or he’s buying her things, but then maybe she has a drug habit.
4. Check his will.  Make sure she didn’t write her name in there.  She didn’t?  That’s good, but it doesn’t guarantee anything.
5. If you skipped step 2, now is the time to go back. 
6. Take note that Grandpa’s girlfriend has been arrested a couple times, and is known for preying on elderly men with farm land.  At this point, it’s too late to go back.
7. Notice that some of his prescribed painkillers are missing.  Your grandfather doesn’t take painkillers.  He has fallen off roofs and been trampled by cattle.  To him, painkillers are overrated.
8. Ask your grandfather where his pills have gone.  If he shrugs, he knows.  If he changes the subject, he knows.  If he gets angry, he knows.  Ask him if his girlfriend could have taken the pills.  When he storms out of the kitchen, you know.
9. Call the police.  When the police say that you cannot file a report for missing pills, call your uncle, because works at a law firm.  When your uncle has no advice, don’t give up.
10. Alert the bank that checks made out to Grandpa’s girlfriend should be voided.  Your grandfather will now go to the bank and get cash out for her, which cancels this step.
11. Consider hiring a hit man to take care of your grandfather’s girlfriend.
12. Come up with an idea that actually works.
13. Stake out the bowling alley where your grandfather and his girlfriend meet for lunch.  Watch her every move.  If you catch her in a criminal act, that could be your evidence in court.
14. Listen to your mother argue with your aunt over the phone.
15. Look for your grandfather’s gray Buick when you drive around town, and find it in a rundown trailer park.
16. Have some pity for your grandfather’s girlfriend, but do not let it stop you.  She has done more damage than you could have foreseen.  You hate her guts.
17. When your grandfather finally agrees to move in with your parents, let out a sigh of relief.  His girlfriend will find your parent's number and try to call the house but to no avail.  Your grandfather will enjoy the company of your brothers and your father, and he will be distracted for the time being.  This distraction will wear off.
18. Enroll him in a single senior’s yoga group.
19. Hope that he will find another, more suitable girlfriend.
20. If he finds a new girlfriend, repeat step 2.

©Carrie Gold

Bring It Back ya bleep.

Let me be honest - and normally I am, but sometimes - and actually a majority of the time, I'm not.  Ya dig?

I would curse like a sailor in this shin-dig I call my blog.  I would shout profanities.  I would make satellite radio look like your local cable channel.  But I can't because I'd feel bad.  If my future in laws read my lovely string of bleeps and bloops, they might disown me.

If you ever want to become educated and feel like a malicious donkey at the same time, Google a curse word and read the Wikipedia article on it, and you'll soon learn that there's no reason to give a, uh, you know a poop.  It's all Germanic stuff.

Speaking of Germany - everything evil comes from Germany.  The beer, the pop music, those terrible suspenders with the fedora hats.  Why do you think the German people came up with all those expletives?  They had to describe all the horrific things they were seeing and tasting.  I mean, imagine back in the middle ages the guy down the street in Berlin is trying to sell beer made from pine bark - you would be calling it something too.


Okay, I'll admit, you can take it a little overboard.  I mean we all like sprinkles on our ice cream, but not the other way around.  In the show Spongebob Squarepants, they called them "sentence enhancers."  So of course, they shouldn't overpower the sentence - use sparingly.


If you have an accent - especially a very thick southern accent, you should NOT use sentence enhancers.  They actually tend to have the opposite effect - it's like giving Ritalin to a kid that doesn't have ADD.


If you are a man with an exceptionally deep voice, don't curse.  You'll lose the trust of your employers and the women in your life.  You will also sound like a 'roid ragin' animal.  No one wants to be around that.


Since there are a lot of dimensions to these rules, let me demonstrate with a brief illustration: